NEIU President Sharon Hahs announced this morning that the school board had finally come up with a solution for college students who were desperate for housing accommodations. “The solution is simple,” Hahs stated, “We are going to kick out those dead-beats next door and begin building dorms”.
Government officials were mortified by the sheer thought, mostly due to the fact that the Bohemian National Cemetery was chartered in 1877 by the State of Illinois and is a Chicago landmark. President Hahs suggested that they get over it, ” That cemetery floods every year. We are planning to move the residents to a better location a few acres away.”
The location of NEIU campus is in the center of a residential area with the Bohemian National Cemetery encompassing the majority of land around NEIU. Although it may not be an ideal location, it may be the only solution. President Hahs had one more blast before leaving the podium “Look, I am tired of hearing the students whine about every little thing on this campus. We are trying our best! This is all that we have come up with to fix the housing solution, so take it or leave it, but so help me…if I see one protester near the construction site, I will deal with them accordingly. By that I mean I will personally knock you out, I may not be a spring chicken, but I have fists of fury.”
Students froze as President Hahs stared down the crowd. After the meeting, students crowded in circles talking amongst each other about the proposal. One student, Edgar Morte, was enthused about the idea stating, “This is awesome. I have always been a big fan of Poltergeist. Now I actually get to live it. Do you know if they still sell those TVs with the wire things coming out of them?” However other students were not so enthused as Edgar was. Suzy Supercilious whined to a group of students. “Is she like kidding me? Ew, I would never live in a building built on top of a cemetery. Luckily for me, my family has money so I can afford to rent a place around the campus.”
The construction is schedule to start immediately, because there is no need to evict, there are just the residents to move. The dorms should be done by the beginning of the fall semester. Although the residents are a little mad about the situation, we at the Independent have not been able to interview them. We should have more to report once Madam Isabel becomes available for the séance.