Gentlemen: grab the backside of your favorite pair of jeans (unless they’re on your body – that would be a questionable move, especially if you’re reading this while on the bus, walking through the halls of the school or in the library) and observe the back pockets.
Chances are good that if you’re like most men, you tend to idly shove your wallet in one of them on a regular basis. If you’ve had them for a while and do this regularly, you’ll probably notice the ghost of your wallet lingering there. The edges of the wallet have stretched the denim and made it look faded. If the jeans are old enough, the shape might even be there. Now, grab your favorite jacket. If you were to put it on a mannequin or look in a full-length mirror while wearing it, you might notice that the shape has been distorted and that the pockets have a pulling effect on the torso. This is probably from all the crap you try to cram in them.
Doesn’t it get annoying walking around with your jeans sagging in the back with the weight of your (ideally) bulging wallet and your jacket jangling along, slapping your thighs with every step you take?
Let’s empty those pockets: we find your keys (all eight of the necessary ones, plus two or three novelty key chains), your cell phone, obviously in a protective (if cumbersome) shell, spare change, a tube of lip balm, movie tickets, a pen, your digital camera, and a pack of gum. You can’t possibly just carry all this in your hands, and God forbid you should leave home without any of these essentials. You have to have your hands free for all those important things like gesticulating wildly when you talk, cross-country skiing and high-fiving your favorite style columnist.
So what do you do? You dump it all on whatever girl you’re spending time with because, as your luck would have it, big satchel-style purses are hot right now and she’s pretty fashion-savvy. What if I were to tell you that you didn’t need to count on being around that girl whenever you ventured out in public? What if I were to tell you that, in this modern age of jumbo-trons, soda pop and solar-powered calculators, it was actually perfectly acceptable to carry a bag of your very own?! Gentlemen, I give you (drumroll, please…) the man- bag.
The man- bag has gotten a bad rap in the past few years. Some have referred to it as too effeminate, cumbersome, snotty, too effeminate, unnecessary and too effeminate. You may have heard it referred to as a “murse.” People who say that are (your mom would back me up) jealous and have no respect for stylish functionality. There is a huge variety of styles to choose from that will serve you beautifully in your pursuit of banishing the pocket bulge. The most popular these days is the messenger bag, which can take virtually any shape and hangs on a single strap that goes diagonally around the torso from one shoulder to the opposite hip. This is commonly seen on people who ride bicycles regularly, or as a younger, more adaptable facsimile of a brief or attaché case. Lots of labels produce messenger bags that you can find for a variety of prices and go with a variety of styles. This has become an especially popular replacement for the common backpack among students and twenty-somethings alike.
A slightly more fashion-forward and current choice is the simple black leather duffel or bowling bag. Usually, there are two short handles and maybe a detachable shoulder strap. This is not as utilitarian when it comes to books, papers or files, but perfect as a catch-all for the modern man. Useful as an overnight, carry-on or everyday stuff-catcher, you’ll find that many advertisements for high-end men’s fashion labels show their models carrying something like what I describe. The most interesting thing about these is that they are seemingly inconspicuous on the shelf but beautifully punctuate the appearance of any man who carries one. The simple, classic shape combined with the robust visual impact of a man carrying something made of leather or a leather-like material, make for a style that is bold and confident.
Normally in this column, a case is made for style for style’s sake. However, in this instance, not only will getting yourself a handy man-bag win you a mountain of style points, but it also happens that man bags are good for your health! BBC online news reports that leaving your wallet in your back pocket and then sitting on it can cause a variety of serious problems for your back. Sciatica is prevalent among men, especially those who sit on their wallets while driving. Damage to the nerves that affect your lower back is the most commonly reported problem.
As for less pressing matters, keeping your keys in your jacket pocket is the most common cause of a ripped lining. A ripped jacket lining means not only do you have to reach into your pocket to grab that tube of lip balm, but actually through the hole in your pocket into the body of the jacket itself. Sounds obnoxious, doesn’t it? Not to mention the costly repairs!
I know the information you have just received is a lot all at once, gentlemen, and I also understand the scoffing and gasps of disbelief as you read. I may well have just rocked your world to its very core. But please, resist the temptation to take your wallet out and shout at it. Don’t throw your keys on the ground and stomp on them. This won’t achieve anything.
If you are feeling the need to take action against this growing concern among men, then it’s time to take that wallet out of your back pocket for the last time. Visit Web sites such as zappos.com or ebay.com to help you find inexpensive options for your very own man-bag. While you’re at it, you should probably let that purse girl know you were just using her for her Fendi satchel.